Passionate, purposeful and persuasive discourse

Without passion, leaders, managers and spokespersons fail to inspire.   If people can’t see how much you care, why should they care?  I coach individuals to communicate their passion and conviction.

And yet…my 20-year old son is helping me understand how passion can sometimes paralyze instead of persuade.  As a very political individual with strongly held beliefs, values and opinions, these mid-term elections have absolutely consumed me.  I screech at the TV during the non-stop political ads.  I grunt to myself as I read the latest polls and pundits’ predictions.  I’ve started to rant in political discussions with people who hold different opinion and even like-minded friends find the temperature of my discourse far too hot.  I’ve now taken that dangerous step beyond passion.   It’s almost as if this usually reasonable communication expert temporarily has a sign on my chest that warns people not to approach.    My husband and I were invited to dinner this weekend but the host wondered if I’d want to come because she and I hope for different outcomes next Tuesday.

My flawed rationale is that I care so deeply – am so passionate – about what I believe that I can’t temper my response.  My very wise son observed that if my goal is just to rant I am absolutely hugely successful.  But if my goal is to help persuade others to my political perspective, my all consuming passion is far from effective.

My son has reminded me that:

1. Passion together with purpose leads to success.
2. Passion that obliterates another way of thinking poisons any hopes for rational discourse.
3. Successful communication always requires respectful listening…especially when our own passionate positions make it really, really hard to feel respectful or listen.

I will try very hard to take a deep breath and engage in passionate but also purposeful and persuasive discourse between now and Tuesday.

A World Without Empathy?

“Empathy is so yesterday” was the headline of an article in Sunday’s Boston Globe. A scary thought not only for personal relationships, but for workplace relationships, all communication and, frankly, all human interaction.

The article’s author, Keith O’Brien, shared new research findings that, despite the endless opportunities to connect and update people about every detail of their lives, today’s college students are “40% less empathetic than they were in 1979, with the steepest decline coming in the last 10 years.” (University of Michigan, Institute for Social Research study).

Apparently today’s college students know more and care less.

If the study is right, then is declining empathy the reason why we’re seeing more frequent incidents of bullying?  Is lack of empathy to blame for the increase in hate-mongering and rage-filled communication (or is political calculation more to blame for that)?

Beyond empathy’s role in creating a society in which we want to live, being empathetic is critical to success…in just about everything.   You can’t lead without relating to your followers.  You can’t manage without thinking about your team members, their strengths, needs and motivation.  You can’t introduce a new product without understanding who will want to buy it and why.  You can’t persuade an audience to adopt your point of view, without first understanding — and respecting — what that audience feels about your topic and you.

And beyond understanding our followers, team members and customers, we need to actually care about them; relate to their joys and pains.

Aaron L. Pincus, professor of psychology at Penn State says, empathy is “not just putting oneself in another’s shoes.  It’s truly grasping what they’re experiencing…Your emotional state will move in a direction more similar to the person you’re empathizing with.”

Here are just three eminders for those of us who’ve already graduated college (so not represented in the grim current statistics), but who may not always exude empathy:

1. When preparing to engage in a difficult conversation, we need to push beyond our own frame of reference (and anxiety) to anticipate how what we have to say will be heard — and felt — by the other person.
2. When looking to boost performance or productivity, make the goal personal and relatable to each member of the team.  It’s not good enough to focus on what would motivate us, rather what will motivate them in their situations, with their needs and wants.
3. Genuinely care about the people you work with and not just their title, organizational role and responsibilities.

Personally, I care deeply and can’t imagine living in a world without empathy.